Let me begin by saying that this previous relationship did not end well, and if I’m honest… most of it didn’t go well. Despite my faults and hers, I think we would both come to a mutual agreement that I played a major role in our fall off the cliff, and she played a considerable part in making sure the fall occurred. Of course there would be unilateral opinions from both factions as to who did what, but in the end; it simply doesn’t matter. Both of us were injured on many levels and scars undoubtedly remain.
Because we are not jointly writing this piece (and that wouldn’t be such a bad idea), my statements and opinions are bound to be bias. But I pledge that I will try to be as objective, transparent, and truthful in my views as I possibly can. However, it should be understood by the reading audience that these are my truths, not hers.
New relationships are wonderful as the honeymoon phase envelopes both parties. A time when the outlines of personal defects and faults haven’t cast their shadows, and you can openly throw yourself into an hypnotic state of joy and happiness to freely cultivate something you both desire. I have to admit, I’ve never been very loose with women, and that doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to be. I guess somethings you just accept as not being apart of you psyche in the long run. In retrospect, I thought we moved pretty fast, and some of the decisions I made allowed for that to occur. We decided that we would move in together; however, I knew that I couldn’t do so without telling her about my alcoholism. I had never come out of the closet, as it were, to anyone about my drinking so freely, but yet I decided to do so with immense fear. I never came right out and said I was an alcoholic, but I believed at the time that I made myself clear enough for her to have somewhat of a grasp on what I was trying to reveal. Looking back now, I don’t think she had any idea what I was truly saying until it became obvious to her.
There are certain points in my life that I can look back on and see where the sources of immediate change came from; and it is my assessment, that the conversation (if you want to call it that) I had with her on that summer night was the beginning of the end for us. I won’t elaborate on any of the messy details of what transpired in the middle, but ultimately it was the end. I had never in my life been more vulnerable standing there before her, speaking of my darker side, and never had I been more utterly rejected. I don’t blame her, but deep within the hollow hull of my inner self, I was an empty ship breaking apart on the rocky shores of life.
I recently finished the book “Shantaram”, and in it you can find a vast amount of life experience courtesy of the author. I think he accurately summed up how I have felt in the years after the end, and when my eyes took the words off the page, I deliberated their meaning for days; and then I understood. It reads “nothing grieves more deeply or pathetically than one half of a great love that isn’t meant to be”. I was the one half of this great love. And while I cannot speak to how she felt or feels today, I grieved so deeply and so pathetically for a very long time. I would liken it to a meteor striking the earth, and existing in its dark aftermath where everything eventually would die. After some time the night did gave way to the light, and when the dust had settled an impact scar could be seen. At its center you can find the remains of star that shot across the sky of love only to burn out in the ocean of emotion and fall upon the bedrock of ‘once upon a time’. I grieved for the things that I had done and for the woman that I loved and lost. It would be untruthful of me to say, that even now, I still don’t grieve.
I completed the steps of AA awhile back (I’m sober now), and for those who have adopted and practice the steps in our daily lives, the start of the 9th step for many of us will never see its end. This woman fell in under the “never going to make amends” category of my 9th step. But if you’ve been in the program for any length of time, its common knowledge that sometimes, a never can quickly turn into a maybe. So I wrote her a short-ish amends letter and surprisingly she quickly responded. It is much too early to give a consensus on the details, as its only been a few days, but the canvas is already being prepped to paint different picture.
To Be Continued…