The way in which she and I reconnect gives me hope that perhaps there is a greater purpose or awareness that I have yet to discover. It is as if we are serenading each other in an endless musical that spans across the universe of time, and with each passing note, chambers of our heart still holding the beat of our past life together sync up to oblige the need for one more dance. We are somehow entangled, fleeting and without grasp; like a lightning bug in the mid-summers night, when one of us blinks, a chase through the darkness ensues. However brief this may last, it is always as awkward and tenacious as it was in the beginning, but lacks the playfulness that it once had. My sense of her is somehow heightened, and like a tuning fork, my mind starts to vibrate the whispers of something I thought I had buried deep within, and I resonate the emotions of past and present.
Though our communication slowly persists, it does so with an unknown apprehension lingering in the air like a mist as we try and navigate towards something resembling meaningful conversation. A quick quip here and there doesn’t do much to illuminate the beckon coming from what I would consider the metaphorical lighthouse; but I can’t help but to feel she is a ship sailing towards the shore, and all that lays before her are the rocks. But I don’t think she cautiously approaches because of our past. Things surely have changed. She’s married to the guy she ran away with when she was with me. And while I hesitate in my attempt to be objectionable, it is my opinion, based on her own responses presently and in previous encounters, that she is still unhappy with herself and her life. Knowing this, I suppose I’d approach with considerable care as well.
We’ve reconnected in the past on two separate occasions. Never did it go very well, or last longer than a week or two; our communication was always halted with the blunt force of bitterness. The last time I spoke with her she was chatty at first, and in a flash, she had completely shut down and closed herself off without a word. My initial question would be, “Who does that!?”, but I already know… Someone who has been hurt. At that time I… Let’s just say I overly stated my displeasure for her sudden distance, and asked her how she could possibly think that it’s okay to treat me in such a way. Allowing for an initial conversation to begin after a period of long-term silence only to unexpectedly cutoff all communication? It was cold, and it stung. Just thinking about it makes the sting start to swell. It was a hard pill to swallow, and when I look back at how I reacted, I know she was right to do so. I surely wasn’t ready for the steep climb, and considering her actions, neither was she.
I haven’t had many romantic relationships over the years. After spending the last couple of years sorting out my life, I’ve encountered some of the reasons why. The reasons don’t necessarily matter as much as the truth I found in those reasons; and in doing so I’ve discovered the avenues I need to take in order to change. I grew up playing baseball, and at first, I was clumsy with the bat and couldn’t catch the ball to save my life; but over the years and with enough practice, I became a skilled ballplayer. Many of my perceptions of the world stem back to my childhood, and these ill-conceived notions that I laid the groundwork for were given a lifetime to develop. After uncovering some truths about myself, I can absolutely say that if you lie to yourself long enough, you start to believe yourself. Not only do you believe in the things you are doing and saying, but you become passionate in your stance. Nullifying the ideas my mind held as truths hasn’t been terribly difficult, but their revelation was surprising to say the least. The toughest part was learning that I had made so many mistakes and trying to let them go. While I am willing to change, the courage to do so is arduous at best.
The program you start practicing in your daily life when you commit to staying sober teaches you a great many things, but most importantly it makes you take a hard look at yourself; and when you start to see changes in your thinking and your perceptions it’s like a gift has been given to you. Something you were never aware existed, and once you find it, you want to shout from the hilltops that you’ve found the answer. One of the things I assume every person practicing a solid program tussles with is the fact that many of the ‘normal’ people in your life haven’t had the chance nor found a reason to take a hard look at their own lives or inner-self. And who am I to say that they should? But once you’ve been given this gift and align it to the personal struggles going on within the people you care about, it is difficult to stay tight lipped about the supposed ‘answer’ you’ve found. Things most certainly have changed between her and I. Time has passed and things look differently now, but I can’t help but notice that she hasn’t changed much in the way of personal strides. When I wrote the amends letter, I didn’t expect much of anything to occur. I simply wanted to clear my side of the street. If this seems to be more self-serving than anything else, that’s because it is. Arguments aside, I think I would’ve been just fine hearing nothing. But the firefly blinked, and now I am wandering through the darkness yet again.
So, what of my intentions? I am a man of conviction, I don’t intend on being an adulterer, nor do I intend on luring her from what she currently has. I know everyone faces their own challenges; but I don’t want to be her shoulder to cry on or the guy in her life that she gets her advice from. Not because I am cold or callous, but because our past makes my ability to be unbiased in such matters ridiculous. And as it were, I am in a constant wrestling match with who I am supposed to be, and who I am. I still want the best for her; and every day since reconnecting I contemplate on whether I should just let the sleeping dogs between us lay. Some things will be obvious to you, the reader, because you are not emotionally entangled in this and thus, you are able to see what I cannot. It’s obvious to me though, after rereading this part of the article, I am writing from two different perspectives within myself. It’s irritating and it’s complicated and it is something that all of us have experienced to some degree in our pasts. On the surface of my life, I have no idea how to act other than genuinely, my heart branded on my sleeve. Over the last couple of weeks we have said just a dash more than a few sentences to each other; we only seem to have reconnected in this brief amending way. Perhaps it’s best this way. I am emotionally balanced and she has the ability to throw the scales off. I’m guessing she feels exactly the same when I come into her life. Nonetheless, I cannot allow myself to pull the ship into shore if all she sees are rocks, but perhaps with time, she’ll see an inlet and find her way back in.